BOSTON, MA – Sources confirmed early today that an incoming freshmen at Boston University, Jeremy Leboux, “fucked up big time” in regards to student housing. Being an only child from the upper east side of Manhattan, Leboux was horrified by the thought of sharing a small dorm room with a random student. Since BU only offers single rooms to students with medical needs or disabilities, Leboux felt that claiming to have both medical needs and radical religious views would be a bullet proof strategy to getting a single room. Thus, he sent this note to BU Housing Services, which he had his family physician sign:
“Being an Evangelical Christian I habitually rise at 5:30am to pray, as well as pray for 1-hour before going to sleep at 8:00pm. My devotion to the church is largely dependent upon the fact that I am Gay, and wish to purify myself of my sins. I’m worried that having a roommate may be too difficult for me – having to deal with the urges I get while alone with another man – and hinder my purification. Additionally, having severe allergies to chemical based products, I cannot use – or be around – colognes, perfumes, aerosols, or any cleaning products. While I wish that you could find me a suitable roommate who could accommodate my needs, I understand that it will be impossible. Therefore, I am completely fine with living in a single dorm room.”
What Leboux felt was an flawless plan was rubbed in his face earlier today when BU Housing Services wrote back to him that they in fact did “have a perfect mach for him, Abraham Fisher” – a fellow evangelical from Simpsonville Kentucky who also has chemical allergies, prohibiting him from using both deodorants and soaps. Now in panic, Leboux has stated that he is considering either deferring from the fall semester or begging his father to purchase him an apartment.
In Other News:
– High School Teenager Blames Maid for the $100 Bill Missing From is Mothers Purse
– College Graduate Makes $120,000 First Year Out of School by Reselling His Christmas Presents
– 10 Ways to Make Quick Cash with Your Parents Credit Card