WEST PALM BEACH, FL – In an emotional plea last Tuesday, Jodi Arias begged that the jury sentence her to a life in prison instead of the death penalty. Along with her plea she drove a hard bargain by promising that in return for her life she would start a prison book club, try really hard to recycle, continue to donate her hair to the Locks of Love charity, and teach Spanish to fellow inmates who are not already fluent – a very useful skill in Arizona penitentiaries.
While the jury took the necessary time to write up “pros and cons” on a courthouse chalkboard – weighing the benefits of Arias’ offer against the responsibility of supporting with tax dollars the life of a psychotic felon – president of the Hair for Hope, Bethany W. Libel, hurriedly issued the following statement, pleading for Arias’ life.
To The Jury,
As president of the Hair for Hope charity, I would like formally state that our organization begs you [the jury] to grant Jodi Arias her life in prison – so that every 12 to 14 months she may be able to donate some of her hair, assuming that she is able to maintain long, beautiful, and healthy hair when living in hell.
Look, we get it. She stabbed her boyfriend in the shower over 30 times, slit his throat, shot him in the head, and pleaded guilty. But let me tell you something, I’ve seen a lot of hair in my day, and brunettes like Jodi are few and far between. If you sentence her to death, you will not only be taking away her life, but also eliminating any hope for us to once again be blessed with a long and healthy lock of Jodi’s natural brown hair.
Plus, even though Jodi’s actions have unquestionably decimated the lives and happiness of her deceased ex’s friends and family – as well as the reputation of her own family – we just have this gut instinct that she will make a great teacher. In recent years America’s prisoner test scores have been embarrassingly low. By keeping Jodi around we could not only have more bi-lingual inmates, but even more importantly ones who can appreciate classic and/or modern literature.
When making your [the juries] decision, please just focus less on the fact that Jodi committed one of the most gruesome domestic murders in the past decade and more so on that she is a “go getter” who’s yearning for a chance to change the lives of inmates and cancer patients alike.
Bethany W. Libel
President – Hair for Hope
In Other News:
– Jodi Arias States She Also Knows How to Teach Juggling
– 10 Ways to Tell if Your Girlfriends Could Be a Psycho Killer
– 10 Reasons You’re Already Fucked If You Realize Your Girlfriend is a Psycho Killer