BUFFALO, NY – In response to recent attempts to smuggle illegal goods through TSA’s airport security, the agency has announced that it will have to further inconvenience travelers to insure that criminal activity is kept at a minimum. Therefore, the agency has developed a new security program in which all airline customers will receive a thorough pat down of their entire body – no area being left untouched. The response to the new program has been largely negative with the majority of fliers deeming it an invasion of privacy and completely unnecessary. However, perverts and sexual deviants across the country are reportedly thrilled with the new regulations. “A flight and a feel up? I’m in!”, commented one visibly ecstatic Jet Blue customer. While this psychographic of customers excitement was varied, the general consensus was that they all spend the majority of their time dreaming of being touched inappropriately, and a TSA employee would do just fine. “The fun I have in the bedroom involves rubber gloves and fake cop uniforms, so this new policy is going to be no different than foreplay to me”, further commented the Jet Blue customer. Additionally, even though most obese airline customers have announced a strong aversion to the policy, sources report that many of them shamefully enjoy the intimate contact in secret.
In Other News:
– College Guy Who Says Hooking Up is Overrated Admits He Has Never Had a Hookup
– Man Considered to be Connoisseur in Fact Just Really Rich
– Jewish American Princess Feels Hardcore While Taking Public Transportation