NORTH ANDOVER, MA – In an unfortunate turn of events, local knives salesman Stephen Michael Dupreé received a blast from the past that no one could have predicted.
“It was a pretty easy-going day,” recalled Dupreé, “I was in the backyard with my family grilling burgers and franks– getting ready for July 4th– then for about a second or two, I heard a ‘whoosh, whoosh’. I didn’t have much time to react before it happened.”
Dupreé, 32, was struck in the back of the head by a two-foot long boomerang that he, himself, had thrown seven years earlier. Amazingly, Dupreé avoided any major head trauma, suffering only a mild concussion and slight bleeding. He was hospitalized for 48 hours, but was released earlier today. He counts himself as lucky, but is still understandably confused about what happened.
“I mean, I know boomerangs stay in the air for a while, but seven years? It doesn’t make any sense; that has to defy some law of gravity. But my initials were right there on the back: SMD.” Dupreé was attending an Australian-themed party at his friend’s lake house when he just let the boomerang fly.
“I knew when I drunkenly threw that boomerang so long ago that something bad might happen, but never something like this. One would never expect to have this happen, but I learned my lesson. This just goes to show you that these things aren’t toys and must be taken seriously. It left my sight when it flew over those trees, but it never left my mind. I paid the price.”
Owner of the Sydney-based boomerang company, SuperFling, Michael Croike was quoted by a local Australian paper after he heard about the incident:
“These Americans… I’m tell you,” said Croike, “they think these things are a joke. They think they can just put on a cork hat and throw a boomerang, like it’s as easy as breathing.” Croike has been a boomerang expert for 27 years and takes the cultural icon’s importance to Australia very seriously. “Boomerang sales account for 2% of the Australian GDP and every Australian kid must take a boomerang safety course before the age of 14. Americans don’t understand that it takes time and skill to be able to successfully throw a boomerang, and if you don’t understand that, you can get hurt like Mr. Dupreé did. He was asking for it.”
Dupreé had no response to Croike’s comments and has instead turned his thoughts to the future.
“I’m just putting this whole thing behind me. I’m lucky to still be here with my family and happy to know that my boomerang won’t ever hurt another human being again. Life goes on.”
Dupreé is preparing to use the wooden boomerang as firewood for his second barbecue in an attempt to gain closure. Local residents are welcome to attend.
In Other News:
– Man in North Andover Burned Alive During Tragic Barbecue Fire, Unidentifiable Firewood to Blame
– Local Man Recites All of Homer’s The Odyssey from Memory, Has No Friends
– Dad Makes Son Collect Aluminum Cans to Afford New Bicycle, Town Admires the Poor Bastard
Reblogged this on The Life of T. Blake Edwards and commented:
My third satirical piece