BOULDER, CO – Upon final judgment of the Zimmerman case where defendant George Zimmerman was dismissed of all charges after having shot to death 17 year old Trayvon Martin just one year ago, the long arm of the law equally exercised it’s justice by convicting CU Boulder’s biomedical engineering student Trevor White as a registered sex offender.
“I was walking back from class reading live updates from the Zimmerman case on my phone when I realized I really needed to take a piss”, commented the felon. “So I quickly dipped into an alley to take care of business and literally, midstream, I was being yelled at to put my hands where they could be seen – which ruined my jeans.”
Upon inquiry, White learned that unlike Zimmerman – who had done no more than protect himself from a pack of skittles and a slurpee – he in fact had broken the law, and one that is taken quite seriously in Boulder. That is the law that anyone caught urinating in public suffers the same fate as someone who date rapes for hobby.
“The frustrating part of the whole thing is that the jury said they wanted to let me off, but they just couldn’t”, said White after receiving his $10,000 fine and 6 months in prison sentence. “Which I understand because, you know, that’s how the law work.”
Out of the court house their was a mob of people in rage of the ridiculous court decision White had just received. However, the local judge assured everyone that there is no point to having laws unless we follow them. And that if we made emotional exceptions in cases such as White, or Zimmerman, America would lose its world renowned justice – where everyone can be equally and indiscriminately treated unjustly.
In Other News:
– Deaf Rapist Relieved of Charges After Lawyer Argues “He Couldn’t Hear Her Say Stop”
– High Scholl President Candidate Forced to Drop Out of Race After Not Disclosing Funding from Parents
– 520lb Woman Wins $1,000,000 Law Suit Against McDonalds After Not Being Able to Fit Through The Fast Food Chains Door…from Eating McDonalds
The Salty Wag 